This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
