I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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