dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I am available for nakedness
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
