that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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