I wanna passion pit in your ass
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Lo siento on account of my penis...
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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