Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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