My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
