Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
