I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
