i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
We just shotgunned beers for America
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
