He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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