so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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