My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
