if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
