I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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