I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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