Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
