textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize