This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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