I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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