I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
