3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
