i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
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