I just saw a hot homeless man
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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