he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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