tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Randomize
