I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
