you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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