Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
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