Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
