rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
