her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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