I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize