Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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