So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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