so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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