Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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