If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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