remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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