Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
