drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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