Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
