my phone needs a breathalizer
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
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