go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Green mimosas i think yes
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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