I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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