I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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