And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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