Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
