pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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