I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Welp...herpes.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
