How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize