I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
