no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Swine flu is the new snow day.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
