Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
