Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
