i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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