she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Randomize
