I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Randomize
