I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
We are all done wearing pants today
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Randomize
