Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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