I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
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