If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Randomize