During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
tonight lets celebrate not being married
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
