i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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