He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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