I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
