Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
