the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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