so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
