I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
