just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
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