She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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